How to stay calm and be curious during difficult conversations

If the answer is no, that’s okay.

You can excuse yourself from the conversation by leaving the space or by letting the person know, clearly and respectfully, that you don’t want to talk about this topic right now.

If you’re not in the right space to have the conversation, it’s better to postpone it than to continue because you feel like you can’t say no.

For example:

• learning something new
• gaining a better understanding of the beliefs behind a particular opinion
• strengthening your relationship with this person
• supporting respectful conversations in your community.

For example:

• feeling bad or uneasy afterwards or other mental health impacts
• the risk of conflict escalating
• the other person not approaching the conversation with the same curiosity-focused approach as you.

For example:

• do you have enough time to listen?
• are you at work?

Focus on listening to their life experiences and what has shaped what they hold to be true, important, and valuable.

Try to be relaxed with a neutral body posture, to convey that you are available, approachable and to avoid appearing defensive or aggressive. 

If strong feelings come up, take some deep breaths, and ‘ground’ yourself by focusing on physical sensations such as your feet on the floor. 

It’s also okay to ‘agree to disagree’ and end the conversation at any time if it’s not going well or you feel overwhelmed.

For example: 

• ‘Can you tell me more about...?’  
• ‘How do you feel about...?’ 
• ‘What I’m hearing/understanding is that you... Is that correct?’

When we listen with genuine curiosity to other people’s viewpoints and experiences, we simply allow space to learn from one another and to build respectful relationships in our communities.